One proposed location of the university.

Ganymede University is a college at one point attended by Malcolm Somerset, who just wanted his Ds to be erased. Unfortunately, upon failing his psychology final, Malcolm inadvertently discovered that learning about insanity and mental illness would in no way stop him from murdering people at the behest of a mysterious red man only he could see. He remains the university's most noteworthy alum.


No consensus has emerged as to why Ganymede University was named as such, though there are three prevailing theories:


It is incredibly unlikely that the university's founders had read anything featuring this man. Note the phallic imagery, demonstrating that the subject is Greek.

1. The university is located on Jupiter's third moon, often known as Ganymede. While this theory appears straightforward, it has been criticized by scholars who doubt the viability of a college roughly 400,000,000 miles from the average student's hometown and the incredibly high out-of-state tuition that would likely result. The thin atmosphere and average temperature of -261 degrees have also been discussed as logistic problems, likely limiting the appeal of whatever university may be set there.

2. The university was named for the Greek Ganymede, a beautiful man abducted in the form of eagles because Greek gods liked to mess with people. The use of this name signified the lofty goals of the university: Appearing cultured for its own sake.

3. The university is one of those sham for-profit online colleges, and chose the heavenly name to reflect the heavenly ambitions of its clientele: Getting back at their annoyingly successful fathers, moving out of said fathers' basements, and fantasizing about maybe going into space someday as long as it doesn't require much actual work.

Psychology DepartmentEdit

The Ganymede Psychology Department is perhaps the most notable aspect of the school, known for having an incredibly difficult final and teaching very little actual psychological knowledge. Malcolm Somerset, unable to adequately answer questions such as "To what extent can imprisoned psychologists seize control from operational captains", "What are some common warning signs displayed by schizophrenic murderers", and "What do space psychologists actually do", was one of many in his class to fail. A combination of this and the recently-implemented Honor System method of accepting people onto scouting missions led to the demise of the Mephistopheles, also named after a work none of its creators had likely read.

Notable AlumniEdit